My Story:
I began attending an Evangelical church when I was in elementary school. In Junior High, I dug in deep and became very involved and stayed that way throughout high school and beyond. Purity Culture teachings were a big part of the covered curriculum and I happily and willingly carried around my laminated Purity Card to ward off sexual advances from boys.
Immediately after graduating from High School I became a volunteer in the Jr. High youth group where I perpetuated the same teachings and messages amongst my small group of students. I was 17.
By the time I was 18 I was engaged to be married and my husband and I got hitched a few months later when I was 19. He was a Youth Pastor at our church and we were both virgins on our wedding night. Success!
We did it! We had arrived! Our abstinence meant that our sex life was destined to be hot, healthy and radically fulfilling, right?
Wrong.
I was plagued with fear, shame and insecurity. I was terrified that if I denied my husband sex that that would lead him to porn or another woman, and I began to allow obligatiry, fear-driven sex to enter our marriage.
In addition, I hated my body. I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I was at war with myself. It didn’t help that every time I picked up a Christian marriage book I was reminded of how I was responsible for putting out in order to keep my husband interested and faithful.
All the while I was a pastor’s wife and felt that my questions and concerns were not welcome or safe within my community. It seemed like my disdain for myself was more culturally acceptable than my doubts.
It’s been over 10 years since we have stepped back from church. Our hurts, questions and concerns became too big to ignore. In the years since I have begun to break down the many walls that I had erected around sex, sexualilty, sensuality and my body.
I am now a mother to 3 incredible humans and, yes, I am still married to my unbelievable husband, Kevin, who is no longer a pastor, but a Coach like me.
As I have deconstructed I have grown passionate about sharing my experiences and supporting others through their healing process. You can hear more about this in My Why below :)
